The scene in the movie The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King, where Smeagol (Frodo’s so-called guide he feels beholden to) leads him to this dark cave where Frodo gets caught up in the sticky spider web.

I have been thinking a lot about that scene lately. Like Frodo, I, too, was caught in several big cobwebs of lies. These thoughts I’ve repeated constantly have bound and woven me into a sticky silk ball of bitterness and anger. I was so frustrated at the circumstances in my life and I had a right to defend my thoughts. But when my life coach started shedding light on getting the wrong diagnosis at age three, it was so hard to hear. The truth is the phrase “I was misdiagnosed” was a thought I kept repeating and using against myself year after year. My life coach pointed out that I get to decide what I think about that circumstance.

After examining my thoughts and feelings, I recognized that I didn’t want to continue going down this dark ravine of my thought life.

• I’m not OK with Dystonia.
• Dystonia is crappy.
• I don’t understand why God allowed dystonia into my life.
• I’m limited and handicapped all because I was misdiagnosed. 
• If only I hadn’t been misdiagnosed…

These thoughts weren’t serving me well nor giving me what I want. Once I admitted and brought into the light that I was still mad at God after all these years, I was ashamed that I had been wrestling with this and am tired of living this way. I can’t change what happened but I can change how I think about what happened. Which first meant I needed to forgive God for allowing the doctor to wrongfully diagnose me.

I asked God to forgive me for being so angry and bitter at Him for allowing Dystonia in my life. And as soon as I turned it over and surrendered it to Him, all the heaviness vanished. I see now that what happened wasn’t a mistake because God doesn’t and can’t make mistakes. The Lord was there on that day when I got sick and He has been with me ever since.

During this time of wrestling with bitterness I dreaded going to church and plastering on a smile and acting like life is wonderful. I’ll never forget the week before I asked forgiveness, when we sang the hymn Wonderful Peace. I was standing in the back row, not really paying much attention and feeling alone and thinking, “Why did I even come?!”Then we sang this verse,

“Ah, soul are you here without comfort and rest

Marching down the rough pathway of time?

Make Jesus your friend ere the shadows grow dark

O accept of this sweet peace so sublime”

Yes, you guessed it—I started crying because I didn’t want to let go of the “control” I thought was mine. I knew the Lord was nudging me.

Since I let go of my bitterness and anger towards the Lord, we do have peace again in our relationship. I’m thankful for His patience in my life. I’m still learning how to think right thoughts about God and myself and to speak kindly to myself instead of judgmentally.

The person we listen to the most is ourselves. What we say to ourselves matters. We can be so kind and courteous to others around us. But, boy, when it’s just me, myself and I – I can be downright hard on myself, as I’ve shared in previous posts.

I’m learning to tell myself things like:

“I’m capable of controlling my thoughts.”

“I am valuable and can add value where I am right now.”

“I have good and creative ideas.”

“I can trust God even when I don’t understand.”

“I’m encouraging, not an inconvenience.”

Colossians 3:12-17 says,“Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering;

Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.

And above all these things put on charity, which is the bond of perfectness.

And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to the which also ye are called in one body; and be ye thankful.

Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord.

And whatsoever ye do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by him.”

What are you saying to yourself? Truths or lies?

How are you speaking to yourself? Kindly or judgmentally?