You Get To Choose…

The scene in the movie The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King, where Smeagol (Frodo’s so-called guide he feels beholden to) leads him to this dark cave where Frodo gets caught up in the sticky spider web.

I have been thinking a lot about that scene lately. Like Frodo, I, too, was caught in several big cobwebs of lies. These thoughts I’ve repeated constantly have bound and woven me into a sticky silk ball of bitterness and anger. I was so frustrated at the circumstances in my life and I had a right to defend my thoughts. But when my life coach started shedding light on getting the wrong diagnosis at age three, it was so hard to hear. The truth is the phrase “I was misdiagnosed” was a thought I kept repeating and using against myself year after year. My life coach pointed out that I get to decide what I think about that circumstance.

After examining my thoughts and feelings, I recognized that I didn’t want to continue going down this dark ravine of my thought life.

  • I’m not OK with Dystonia.
  • Dystonia is crappy.
  • I don’t understand why God allowed dystonia into my life.
  • I’m limited and handicapped all because I was misdiagnosed. 
  • If only I hadn’t been misdiagnosed…

These thoughts weren’t serving me well nor giving me what I want. Once I admitted and brought into the light that I was still mad at God after all these years, I was ashamed that I had been wrestling with this and am tired of living this way. I can’t change what happened but I can change how I think about what happened. Which first meant I needed to forgive God for allowing the doctor to wrongfully diagnose me.

I asked God to forgive me for being so angry and bitter at Him for allowing Dystonia in my life. And as soon as I turned it over and surrendered it to Him, all the heaviness vanished. I see now that what happened wasn’t a mistake because God doesn’t and can’t make mistakes. The Lord was there on that day when I got sick and He has been with me ever since.

During this time of wrestling with bitterness I dreaded going to church and plastering on a smile and acting like life is wonderful. I’ll never forget the week before I asked forgiveness, when we sang the hymn Wonderful Peace. I was standing in the back row, not really paying much attention and feeling alone and thinking, “Why did I even come?!”Then we sang this verse,

“Ah, soul are you here without comfort and rest

Marching down the rough pathway of time?

Make Jesus your friend ere the shadows grow dark

O accept of this sweet peace so sublime”

Yes, you guessed it—I started crying because I didn’t want to let go of the “control” I thought was mine. I knew the Lord was nudging me.

Since I let go of my bitterness and anger towards the Lord, we do have peace again in our relationship. I’m thankful for His patience in my life. I’m still learning how to think right thoughts about God and myself and to speak kindly to myself instead of judgmentally.

The person we listen to the most is ourselves. What we say to ourselves matters. We can be so kind and courteous to others around us. But, boy, when it’s just me, myself and I – I can be downright hard on myself, as I’ve shared in previous posts.

I’m learning to tell myself things like:

“I’m capable of controlling my thoughts.”

“I am valuable and can add value where I am right now.”

“I have good and creative ideas.”

“I can trust God even when I don’t understand.”

“I’m encouraging, not an inconvenience.”

Colossians 3:12-17 says,“Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering;

Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.

And above all these things put on charity, which is the bond of perfectness.

And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to the which also ye are called in one body; and be ye thankful.

Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord.

And whatsoever ye do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by him.”

What are you saying to yourself? Truths or lies?

How are you speaking to yourself? Kindly or judgmentally?

6 thoughts on “You Get To Choose…

  1. wiajena@gmail.com says:

    Abigail,

    Glad to see you posting again. This was good. You remember those good thoughts because they definitely are true about you!

    I have missed you and wondered if you were okay. I have mant to write but we’ve had lots of changes in our lives keeping us busier than I want, but am looking at the positive. LOL.

    Please take care of yourself. You are special, and special to us.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Lynn Saint says:

    Dear Abby,

    Thank you for posting so vulnerably. Your writing reflects more of His presence. It is infused with a soothing balm for me. I am taking away your thoughts for my granddaughter. Recently, Joni Eareckson Tada responded to a comment about God’s not planning hard events in our lives. Joni waded right into the fray with God’s sovereignty and how He intends to use each and every situation to bring about His good. A number of years ago, a young woman was sharing at church about a hard situation relating to her brother –she encouraged the congregation with the words that God didn’t want something to happen. If God is not overseeing every situation – especially those I do not understand – how can I trust Him when I sense pain and loss? For me, I have to believe He sees and He knows. His ways are past my finding out but I am still asked to trust Him.

    With love and prayers, dear one…

    Like

  3. Suzie Ohsfeldt says:

    Abbey, I can’t imagine how difficult it was to put all this into words!! Thank you for taking the time to share this!!!❤️ I have been in the place where my thinking was wrong, God’s Word convicted, I was confronted with Truth, and I had to change my thoughts. This has happened on many, many occasions for me, but in some circumstances it has been more difficult. In some cases, it’s been the same wrong thoughts that I’ve had to correct over and over. Though I don’t usually like it, I’m thankful that people/preachers/friends will speak truth to me and tell me what I NEED to hear rather than what my flesh WANTS to hear. I can tell you feel the same way and that is challenging and encouraging to me. Thank you for helping me think about this and for sharpening me, yet again!! ❤️Love you!!❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  4. stutully says:

    AND God is using the pains and sorrows sovereignly in His sanctifying process in your sweet life, to build wisdom in you to bless others like me who are grateful beyond words each time you share. I bless the Lord for His mighty work in and through you dear Abigail- 1 Cor 15:58♥️♥️♥️🙏🙏🙏

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

    Like

  5. Jeff Watts says:

    This is such an encouraging message Abigail! So awesome your life coach helped you process and change your thinking. Proud of you for acknowledging your anger to GOD for HE always forgives… So awesome HE allowed you to know HIS peace and lifting from you that heavy burden… 1 Corinthians 15 has been on my mind as of late. What ever our body is sown with, we will rise again with a spiritual new body in the resurrection because JESUS will give us the victory. Then GOD’s Word gives us something to focus on in the meantime:
    1 Corinthians 15:58 Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.
    I love how you continue to serve our Great GOD and KING… -Jeff

    Liked by 1 person

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