There are numerous ways I could finish this sentence, “It’s time…”
It’s time to stop fighting reality.
It’s time to stop feeling sorry for myself.
It’s time to let go of others’ opinions.
It’s time to let go of seeking the approval of others.
It’s time to let go of the lies I’ve been believing.
It’s time to start writing to encourage others again.
It’s time to be honest with myself and stop pretending that I enjoy living with Dystonia.
Yep, that’s right, I don’t enjoy living with Dystonia.
I can hear my life coach chiming in, “Abigail, stop being dramatic. So what, you don’t enjoy living with Dystonia. Who said you had to enjoy living with Dystonia?”
The answer to that question was me. I thought I had to enjoy life with this handicap because I thought people would judge me if I didn’t. So, I started writing and saying things I wanted to believe but in reality I knew deep down I didn’t believe. Things like, “Dystonia is a blessing.” and “I’m not a victim of Dystonia.” I had become a selfish, entitled, bitter, handicapped person. I believed if I could somehow be a successful writer and artist that would prove to others that I have a purpose. Do you see my faulty thinking? I was looking for others’ approval to make me feel a certain way. It’s not other people’s job to make me feel happy or motivated. It’s my job. The Lord gave me power to control my life, and that includes how I think and feel about myself.
In August, once I recognized it was OK, I realized I had been fighting reality for too long and I didn’t enjoy living with Dystonia. I was tired and miserable. I had been thinking thoughts like: “It’s easier for them.” “This shouldn’t still be happening.” And my all time favorite, “If people only knew what I faced.” Because of those thoughts I had on replay, I realized I needed myself to help change my perspective on this. Over the next several weeks my coach challenged me to start asking myself, “So what?” after every thought I think. I will tell you it wasn’t easy at first. But over time I started to notice a change in how I was thinking and feeling about Dystonia.
I’ll never forget the first night I started to recognize I need to get serious about changing my perspective on Dystonia. I was writing in my journal late and I was listening to some newer music I found later that week. While I was writing I heard this song called, “Lead Me Back.” I don’t know about you, but I love it when the Lord uses music to mark change in my life. Even now, as I think about it, I tear up. It was such a precious moment to me. You see, I so want to have control over my life and have everyone’s approval. I was so focused on getting X amount of likes and comments on social media and fixating on how many people were reading my blog, thinking that would satisfy or fulfill me. But it hadn’t. I had grown so tired and worn out of seeking others’ approval.
On that late night, the Lord asked me, “You are seen, known, heard, and not forgotten by Me. Am I not enough? Abigail, let go of it all.”
I love the first verse and chorus to this song. You can listen to “Lead Me Back” by Morgan Harper Nicoles here.
Slow down; only
You can save me
It’s too much busy
Trying to hold on
Confusion for me
To climb from crazy
I give up;
I see it’s time for letting go
It’s time for letting go
Break down every wall that I’ve been building
For a kingdom without truth
Tear down every lie that I believed in
Let me come alive in You
For this world will slip away
But Lord You will still remain
Lead me back to You
Lead me back to You
2 Corinthians 10:3-5 says, “For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war after the flesh: For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;) Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ….;”
Ephesians 6:6 says, “Not with eyeservice, as menpleasers; but as the servants of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart….;”
Are you seeking others approval rather than God’s approval?